Everyone is all abuzz with vivid excitement and anticipatory joy over Disney’s/Marvel’s/Sony studio’s Spider-Man: Homecoming, in the wake of it’s initial trailer earlier this week. One soul, however, remains unswayed by this red and blue menace, and no I’m not talking about J. Jonah Jameson, I’m talking about me.
Spider-Man is a cultural blight on society, and has a negative influence that can be seen around the world – and I think it’s high time we stopped paying money to see Hollywood’s web slinging sin fest. As a strong, proud, American Christian mother of two boys, I’d like to explain my very justified reasons for this stance with the much loved “Hero”.
1. He hit a woman!
Yes, that’s right. Spider-Man struck his girlfriend Marry-Anne (Whom he was sleeping with out of wedlock mind you, a whole different can of worms there.) while undergoing a change in costume in Spider-Man 3: The Blacker
Suit. Just because you decide to start wearing black – one of the three colours of the devil might I remind you, along with red and rainbow – does not justify striking a woman out of turn! This is 2016 people! Actor Tobey McGinnes, who played Peter Spiderman in the film series has yet to reply to my emails asking for his justification of the infamous nightclub scene, however I think it is clear that its all a by-product of the Hollywood Sin machine. I will not take my two boys, Luke and David, to see a movie supporting such violence.
2. He’s homophobic.
In Spider-Man 1: Goblin’s Day Out, We see Peter Spiderman become a wrestler, a deplorable career choice by the questionable young man, already lured to sin. In his inaugural match, he faces up against Mr Bone Saw, and while flaunting his supernatural demon powers of agility, he leaps like a spider
and sticks to the bars like a spider and shouts down “That’s a cute outfit, did your husband make it for you?” OUTRAGE! How dare he espouse that just because Mr Bones is a homosexual that his husband makes costumes for him! That’s kind of assumption is downright disrespectful! I know a homosexual couple, and while I often pray for their souls, they’re lovely boys. One is a real estate agent and one is a chef, once Jesus fixes them I’ll set the chef up with my sister Lucy. She could use a man. Spider-Man however? She could do a lot better than that homophobic bully.
3. He is always taking his jumper off and showing his body!
This one is particularly offensive, as him hitting Marry-Ellis and saying homophobic things doesn’t effect me – but this does! In most of his 12 movies, such as The Amazing Spider-man 2: Ouch Mister Electric Man, Don’t Zap Me There, or Spider-Man 2: The Eight Legged Virgins, Peter Spiderman always takes off his shirt, and in doing so, sexually assaults me! As I have said, I am a Christian mother of two boys, Lucas and Aaron, and I cannot believe that Hollywood would be so brazen in their sin to expose my married eyes to the male form so unclad! While my husband may have passed away after taking his own life once he was dishonourably discharged from the military, I am still wed to him in the eyes of the lord. Spider-Man’s taut, firm abdominals in my face is a clear violation of my marriage vowels to never again look at another man shirtless! I will not be sexually assaulted by this fictitious movie character man! I will not!
4. Also he let a nice lady die.
Gwyneth Stacetrow was killed when Spider-Man threw his web at her neck and then dropped her down a building. It was sad, and I don’t like sad movies unless they’re about Jesus.
So in conclusion, I will not be seeing Spider-Man’s Christmas Homecoming next year, I will be, instead, outside my local Movie House with protest signs, singing hymns and praying for the poor souls who believe in such evils!
Don’t let Hollywood’s sin machine purge God’s truth from your heart!
Thank you kindly for reading this, may the Lord be with you. Always.
– Judy Samson